Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one, Little Johnny, began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...  I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...  I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged Johnny and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which Little Johnny replied, "No, but Gramma is!"




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" No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain "


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Miss Jones was teaching her class math. She asked, "Johnny, if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would  she have?"

Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack!?"



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" No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain "


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One day, Little Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher came in. She announced that they were going to play a little game where she would say a letter, and she would pick one person in the class to say an animal that started with that letter.

So first the teacher said the letter "C", and there were several kids with their hands raised, but Johnny was jumping up and down, so the teacher thinking, "Oh no, not Johnny" picked on Susie.

Susie said, "Cow."

The teacher said very good. Next the teacher said the letter "S". There was Johnny jumping up and down trying to get the teacher to call on him, but instead she called on Billy.

He said "Snake". Good she said.

Next she called out the letter "R", and once again there was Johnny jumping up and down, in the aisle to get the teacher's attention. So the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't think of anything bad that starts with an 'R'", so she calls on Johnny.

"A Rat..." Johnny says, spreading his hands about 12" apart, "with a big fucking dick this long."



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" No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain "


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 Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
 
 "Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off" said the teacher.
 
 "Who is credited with writing the phrase "To be or not to be. That is the question," asked the teacher.
 
 Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
 
 "Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off"
 
 "No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard," said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
 
 "Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
 
 Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
 
 "Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off"
 
 "No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too," said little Fri Sum Kat.
 
 "Okay," said the teacher.
 
 Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "Fucking Asians!"
 
 "Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
 
 "Pauline Hanson!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday!!!!



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" A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy "


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Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...."

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him  exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."



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" A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy "


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A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey or orange depending on the weather."

Second a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "

Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are gold or brown," said the teacher.

Third a Little Johhny in the back of the class says, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! That's disgusting. Of course not!!!"

"OK ... then I definitely have shit in my pants," said Johnny.



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" You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses. -Ziggy "

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Little Johnny blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and  SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.  When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be And POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the First time I've ever actually SEEN a fart!"



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" Do you know why they call it �PMS�? Because �Mad Cow Disease� was taken. -Author Unknown, presumed deceased "

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Johnny was downstairs playing with his trains, rolling them along on the floor. All of a sudden he stops the train and says: "Whoever wants to get on, get the hell on. Whoever wants to get off, get the hell off."

Then his mother walks in and yelled," Johnny, I thought I told you never to say those words." 

Johnny just kept  on playing with his trains and stopped them and said: "Whoever wants to get on, get the hell on. Whoever wants to get off, get the hell off." 

His mother opened the door and yelled: "Johnny, the next time you  say that  word you will have to go to your room for  an hour to think about what you  did wrong."

Johnny didn't really care about what she had to say, so he just kept playing with his trains. He stopped them, and said: "Whoever wants to get on, get the hell on.. Whoever wants to get off, get the hell off."

Just them Johnnys mom stormed into the room and screamed:, "Johnny, go to your room for an hour to think about it!!" 

An hour later,  Johnny walks down the stairs and goes to his mother, "I've learned my lesson, can I go play with my trains now??"

"Sure, just don't use those words..." she said. 

So Johnny starts playing with his trains and stops them and said, " Whoever wants to get on, get the hell on. Whoever wants to get off, get the hell off and whoever's pissed about the hour delay, talk to the bitch  in the kitchen."



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I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

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Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny.

"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will screw ANYTHING!"




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Sure you can trust the government! Just ask banana growers!

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There is a teacher teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th graders. She walks to the chalk board and raws a huge penis on the board!

She turns to the class and simply asked the class, "Class, does and one know what that is?"

The class sits silently for a second or two than little johnny stands from the back!

He yells, "I know what that is! It's a PENIS! I know cause my dad's got two!"

"The small one he pee's from, the big one he brushs the babysitters teeth with!"



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Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

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Little Johnny comes home from school and his mum asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to  your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says his mum.

Awhile later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to Johnny's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.

"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied Johnny.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and Johnny go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?"  asks Dad.

Johnny replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."


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Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


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" Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal "

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A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.

She came out of the surf with her arms foded across her chest.

Lil' Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose.

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said "Moooo!"

"Very good" replied the teacher, "what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa" answered Billy.

She continued this for a while.

Then she asked "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and  screamed, "Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!"

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles.

The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing?

Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."

The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world.  Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal!  This is turpentine.  If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson..."

Little Johnny's mother was pregnant. Since he was a child and know nothing about sex education he asked to his mother "Mom, what's in your stomach? It used to be flat and now it's getting bigger and bigger."

"Well son, in here is your brother, and soon he wiill come out." answered the mother. Little Johnny nodded.

A while later, his mother bent over to pick up something, and as we know, she didn't wear any panties at all. Little Johnny saw it and yelled "Mom.. mom.. my brother's head is coming out. Look, I can see his hair!"



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If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.  Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.  When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When looked in the crib, he said ",What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, and, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he  see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.  They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the  teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand.  I gave everybody who walked by a sample.  They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit.
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"



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I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.

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  Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to
 bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
 
 Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
 
 Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.

Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year? "

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"